The things I do for my sanity....

So I have made some choices recently, these choices are in regards to who I do and do not have in my life. I have received a lot of criticism for it, apparently I am making peoples life miserable, I am the bad guy, and it is my fault for all the problems in their life. Did anyone ask me what it was like in my life to almost loose my job and almost have my kids taken away because of accusations against me that were not true.... NO. Did anyone ask me how i felt having to always jump through hoops while all of my moves were watched.... NO. And yet even after all of this i am still the bad guy and i am the one that is being unreasonable. These are the reasons that i choose to cut someone from my life, i am so tired of being stabbed in the back and hurt over and over again. I am so tired of having to watch my back cause i dont know when my life could be turned upside down again. I am tired of feeling panic everytime they are around my kids cause i dont know if they will turn a bump on the head into something more than it is. If protecting my self and my sanity makes me a horrible person then so be it, i guess i am horrible, thats what happens when you f*** with my family. I will do whatever i have to do to protect my children and to protect my self. They say they miss me but in all the months no one said anything to me directly just to everyone around me, and it was always about how mean or unfair i was being. they even had the nerve to go to my better half and try to play the victim card. Not only that, they went behind my back, to my ex and told him how sorry they were for all that i was putting him through when i left, and how i was an unfit mother. So you wonder why i cut them out of my life this is a brief story of why. I will continue to live my life with out them in it, i am better off. Things will not change cause they already have and it was for the better. Am i happy with my decision, i can completely say yes 100%. I fell like i have plenty of friends in my life that all their love makes up for what was lost. I am not sorry if i offend anyone with this, these are my thoughts, people want to criticize and judge me like i am a bad person, well last time i checked no one asked what kind of hell i went through and how i felt.

so in short if you want to make judgements that is fine but make sure you have both sides of the story because even if you dont ask my life will go on as is and i will keep my sanity......... thats all.

My new life through the struggles

So i sit here thinking about the fact that i have not posted in over a year, so much has happened in that time and i wouldnt change any of it for the world. First change the boys are older, Chase is in school now and is loving it, i was so worried about how he would react to the change but he did better than i thought. Daniel is big as well, he is just as smart as his brother and just as sweet. They are both a blessing in my life, even though at times they can be as destructive as a small tornado, but they are my little tornados. Another change, and probably the most important is the reconnection with an old love. He was a friend when i needed one the most, never asked for anything more. Our longtime friendship turned into love, one that was unconditional regardless of what baggage i had with me. One thing that made my heart completely his was seeing him with my kids, its irresistible when innocent children love someone so much, how can i not. Trevor took care of me when i had surgery, he was there when i woke up in the middle of the night in pain. Sleeping on a couch just to be there when i might need him, after that my heart was completely his. It is a scary, amazing and exhilarating feeling knowing that someone has your heart, knows all there is to know about you, has seen you at your worst, and still loves you unconditionally. I owe a great deal to his parents, for raising such a wonderful man, i lay awake sometimes and wonder how i got so lucky, but i am smart enough to not take it for granted, i am blessed and i know it.......

I thought my life had taken a turn for the worst, depression, loss, anger, pain, despair and desperation, i thought i would face it alone. God sent me someone i could lean on and now i get the honor of spending the rest of my life him. After facing all the curves and bumps in the road, my life has opened to so many possibilities. More children is a possibility now, and just the thought makes me so happy. Even though i have lost family that is no longer in my life, i have new friends and family that make my life a better place. I am looking forward to the journey ahead, I look forward to the bumps and curves cause i know that together we can handle whatever comes our way.

I am loving my new life, i am grateful for the struggles cause they made me stronger. I am looking forward to the new changes that are sure to come.

until my next post................ learn from your struggles, god will not give you anything you cannot handle.