Tis the Season

It has been way to long since I have written one of these, and I told a good friend that I would be writing one so here it is. Sorry it took so long. To start heres a little update. Me and Trevor are in fact married, we got married by the jp back in September, that was probably the happiest day. Since then Trevor got his duty station in Alaska, and then shortly before his birthday he got sent overseas on his first deployment.

Well I love this time of year, I love the holidays and I love the getting together. This past thanksgiving I got to go up to Alaska and spend a week in a half with my husband, it was the last time i got to see him before the deployment. I enjoyed alaska so much that i am willing to move up there if we are allowed. It is beautiful country and it was a new experience that we got to share together. We considered that trip our honey moon, it was great to be alone and to have the time to share together. We could sleep in if we wanted or we could go out if we wanted.

This is our nighttime view from the front of the hotel... and by night time i do mean 5:30 pm it is as beautiful at night as it is during the day.

This is my view in the morning from our window in our room, i looked at this every morning i was there.

This is the view that we got to look at every time that we left the building to get to the car.

This thanksgiving was different for me, there were new experiences for me and there were new friends. One thing that was different for me was being away from family, it wasnt the first that i didnt share with my parents but it was the first that i didnt share with my kids, that was hard for me, but at the same time I spent it with my husband. That was a new experience for me and it was our first thanksgiving not as a couple but as husband and wife. We got to spend it with great friends and we had a great meal even though neither one of our mothers made it, it still felt like home. (Here we are before Thanksgiving Dinner)
When it came time to leave i was torn, I didnt want to leave new found friends, and i really didnt want to leave this new place that i had fallen in love with. but at the same time i missed my children and i just wanted to share my new love for this magical place. It was so magical that when i got to meet Santa and his reindeer i had to send a picture to the boys.


When i left, i admit i cried cause i was sad but when i came home after a long trip between airports and planes i saw my boys and i cried again cause no matter where i was if they werent there then there is a piece of me missing.

Now Christmas is fast approaching and all i can think of is that i want to make this a good one for my family, Trevors gifts have been sent and he got them early, the boys have been bought for and i hope that this is a good holiday for them. When i do gifts i try to keep the person i am buying for in mind, i put my heart into the gifts i give whether i spend alot of time picking out the perfect gift or whether i end up making it, a piece of me goes into the gift.

This is the time of year that people are reminded to think of others and not themselves. I learned this lesson young and i hope that i can pass it on to the boys, it is so important to think of other people every day of the year, but it is this time of year that most people remember that lesson. It is this time of year that i will listen to music and know the true meaning of christmas and that is Christ. Its not about the presents under the tree, or about the lights on the house, or even about what you are hoping to get from santa. It is about christ and the love that he had for us and the love that we should have for everyone...... Think about the way that you treat others this holiday season and really think about how you treat everyone year round, this is how it should be, i hope everyone has a safe holiday this year.

The things I do for my sanity....

So I have made some choices recently, these choices are in regards to who I do and do not have in my life. I have received a lot of criticism for it, apparently I am making peoples life miserable, I am the bad guy, and it is my fault for all the problems in their life. Did anyone ask me what it was like in my life to almost loose my job and almost have my kids taken away because of accusations against me that were not true.... NO. Did anyone ask me how i felt having to always jump through hoops while all of my moves were watched.... NO. And yet even after all of this i am still the bad guy and i am the one that is being unreasonable. These are the reasons that i choose to cut someone from my life, i am so tired of being stabbed in the back and hurt over and over again. I am so tired of having to watch my back cause i dont know when my life could be turned upside down again. I am tired of feeling panic everytime they are around my kids cause i dont know if they will turn a bump on the head into something more than it is. If protecting my self and my sanity makes me a horrible person then so be it, i guess i am horrible, thats what happens when you f*** with my family. I will do whatever i have to do to protect my children and to protect my self. They say they miss me but in all the months no one said anything to me directly just to everyone around me, and it was always about how mean or unfair i was being. they even had the nerve to go to my better half and try to play the victim card. Not only that, they went behind my back, to my ex and told him how sorry they were for all that i was putting him through when i left, and how i was an unfit mother. So you wonder why i cut them out of my life this is a brief story of why. I will continue to live my life with out them in it, i am better off. Things will not change cause they already have and it was for the better. Am i happy with my decision, i can completely say yes 100%. I fell like i have plenty of friends in my life that all their love makes up for what was lost. I am not sorry if i offend anyone with this, these are my thoughts, people want to criticize and judge me like i am a bad person, well last time i checked no one asked what kind of hell i went through and how i felt.

so in short if you want to make judgements that is fine but make sure you have both sides of the story because even if you dont ask my life will go on as is and i will keep my sanity......... thats all.

My new life through the struggles

So i sit here thinking about the fact that i have not posted in over a year, so much has happened in that time and i wouldnt change any of it for the world. First change the boys are older, Chase is in school now and is loving it, i was so worried about how he would react to the change but he did better than i thought. Daniel is big as well, he is just as smart as his brother and just as sweet. They are both a blessing in my life, even though at times they can be as destructive as a small tornado, but they are my little tornados. Another change, and probably the most important is the reconnection with an old love. He was a friend when i needed one the most, never asked for anything more. Our longtime friendship turned into love, one that was unconditional regardless of what baggage i had with me. One thing that made my heart completely his was seeing him with my kids, its irresistible when innocent children love someone so much, how can i not. Trevor took care of me when i had surgery, he was there when i woke up in the middle of the night in pain. Sleeping on a couch just to be there when i might need him, after that my heart was completely his. It is a scary, amazing and exhilarating feeling knowing that someone has your heart, knows all there is to know about you, has seen you at your worst, and still loves you unconditionally. I owe a great deal to his parents, for raising such a wonderful man, i lay awake sometimes and wonder how i got so lucky, but i am smart enough to not take it for granted, i am blessed and i know it.......

I thought my life had taken a turn for the worst, depression, loss, anger, pain, despair and desperation, i thought i would face it alone. God sent me someone i could lean on and now i get the honor of spending the rest of my life him. After facing all the curves and bumps in the road, my life has opened to so many possibilities. More children is a possibility now, and just the thought makes me so happy. Even though i have lost family that is no longer in my life, i have new friends and family that make my life a better place. I am looking forward to the journey ahead, I look forward to the bumps and curves cause i know that together we can handle whatever comes our way.

I am loving my new life, i am grateful for the struggles cause they made me stronger. I am looking forward to the new changes that are sure to come.

until my next post................ learn from your struggles, god will not give you anything you cannot handle.

The Start

So I'm not sure what all I am supposed to put on here, I am thinking that its not supposed to be a diary cause I already have one of those, so we are gonna try this and hope for the best.............
I am a mother of two beautiful boys, Chase and Daniel, they are wonderful children and I consider myself so blessed by the lord. I am always thanking him for giving me such joy in my life. We have just moved back to our home state of Texas, after living in Virginia for a year. We loved Virginia and we met wonderful people and are blessed for the friends that were made, however Virginia just wasn't Texas. I enjoy being back so much that it makes the summer heat bearable. I missed my family greatly and am so happy to be living with my parents again. I know that they say that I drive them a little crazy but the truth is that I make them laugh and the boys bring such a joy into their lives that they can't help but love having me around. I could go through and list all of the people that I am thankful for but that is for another blog and another time. The children are glad to be back because of the fact that they get to see so much of their family, and they love every minute of it. I am attending school and am going for my degree in criminal justice, no surprise there if you know my family.. LOL....... I called this blog "the start" for a few different reasons, this is the start of my blog and it is also the start of a new chapter in my life and in the life of the boys. I am hoping to make this start as best as I possibly can and I know that with the help of the lord and my family and friends that I will make it through whatever I need to. The start is never easy but I know that I have the strength that I need and I also know that if I am lacking in strength that I will find it all around me. I will find it in those that I love the most. I have fallen and have been picked up off the ground and I have been pulled out of the deepest funk or hole and it is all because of those wonderful people in my life. I love every single one of you and I am so grateful that I have such a wonderful support system. I feel the love of the lord around me and I know that I am a daughter of god and that I am loved by my father in heaven and that I am doing what he would want me to do. I know this and I believe this with all of my heart........... well that is all that I have for now so stay tuned for more!!!!!!!